What do you want from my life, I ask myself.
Loading my questions like a shotgun.
Walking around in major cities in the middle of the night where there isn’t a soul around is quickly becoming one of my favorite activities. The newer the city to me, the emptier the streets, the quieter the air – the better. Tonight Vienna filled that role. I walked back from the Museumquartier to the place I’m staying which is some number of KM which I didn’t bother to convert to miles but more than one, less than two I think. It was beautiful. Street lights on, store lights out. Not a car in sight. There’s nothing to disappoint on walks like that. It’s you and the city and nothing else. No expectations of your own or someone else’s to live up to. No hopes, no dreams, no fears. Just the sidewalk and the night air. I can’t get enough.
I found a cool irish pub/vegan restaurant tonight which isn’t really that far and I think I might get into the habit of walking over there. I’ve been thinking a lot about expectations recently, and talking to friends about them when the topic finds it’s way into conversation. They are scary things that compound themselves. The ones we set on ourselves, the ones our friends/family/lovers set on us (and we set on them), and the ones we assumed they are setting on us. It’s seems harder and harder to enjoy today when you are focusing on tomorrow. I’ve spent a lot of this year trying not to think about tomorrow, and trying to forget about yesterday. It’s been working to some extent, but of course I drag everyone around me into that as well some not as willingly as others. Some too willingly.
Whitewashing the past is easier than you might think, to some extent anyway. Forgetting the lessons learned isn’t, but probably shouldn’t be so that’s OK. Not looking for something tomorrow is not quite as easy as I’d like it to be. Of course I’m scared of setting myself up for disappointment by betting on something I don’t even believe can happen, but I also don’t want to lose sight of what I have and can do today. Don’t even ask, I confuse myself with these vague circular ramblings so I’m sure I’m confusing everyone else too. The point is that finding something to make you smile today, right now, is the most important thing. It’s worth trying now and again. I think so anyway, I mean really, what’s the worst that can happen?