Back in July of 2002 Morgen and I drank a lot of coffee and write up a few ideas for movies that we thought would rock. I realized they are too awesome to be so buried in my archives, so I’m reposting them here. The third one we wrote was for Disaster! (original link), and that is this:
Christopher Walken as Mayor of LA
Charlize Theron as the newscaster
Tommy Lee Jones as volcano dude
Don Cheadle as the genius
The movie opens with some family at a picnic in a park and they are all happy and it’s sunny. The kids are playing Frisbee or something like that and the parents are laughing about something that is probably not really that funny when all of a sudden some wind kicks up and it starts blowing stuff in the people’s faces, like this one dude gets a plate of coleslaw right up the nose, then it’s all dark and they look up and are all “damn, that looks like a tornado, but this is Los Angeles and we don’t have those here so I wonder what it could…AAAHHHHH!!” and the thing that totally looked like a tornado spins by and totally makes their picnic look like a Kansas trailer park.
Next thing you know it’s all over the news. It turns out it really was a tornado which is really freaking people out, and oh yeah there was this thing about a 7.0 earthquake in Taiwan, but who cares about that and they go right back into this crazy tornado thing. Well people are running around all tornado and self important when all the sudden everything starts shaking. This one dude out on the street is like “AHHHH ANOTHER TORNADO RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!” And this other lady is like “Tornado? this is LA, we don’t have tornado.” and the dude is like “DIDN’T YOU SEE THE NEWS?? AHHHH!” and She’s like “I Know an Earthquake when I feel one” And the dude is all “EARTHQUA..? Oh yeah..” And they happen to be outside of one of those stores with all the TVs in the windows with the news that are in all the movies but never really exist. The News girl is all “FUCKING SHIT!!!! That wasn’t just some small earthquake you just felt, it was the ripple thing from a 19.7 Earthquake that just happened in Asia. Or…what used to be Asia, the place is history!”
And the dude is like “SHIT! I get all my TVs and Cars from there, what are we going to do now…AAAAHHHHHH!” And the lady is like “freak.” Anyway, 19.7 is so insanely big that it triggers all the volcanoes over in Hawaii and they’re erupting, so it’s like this: Part of LA is messed up from the tornado, Asia is destroyed and Hawaii is erupting, and we’re only 20 minutes into movie! Did you say something about this being the best movie of all time? Yes, it is.
Now we pick up on Tommy Lee Jones who took care of the volcano from 1997’s hit movie “Volcano,” and busts into the mayor’s office and is like “Dude, remember that volcano from Volcano that I totally took care of? Well, it will probably erupt again because of that whole thing in the Orient,” and the Mayor is like, “What is this, 1900? You can’t say the Orient. It’s called Asia now.” and TLJ is all “Whatever! Dude, it’s gone…doesn’t really need a name anymore, does it?” and the Mayor is annoyed and he’s like, “Are you saying that because it’s gone we shouldn’t consider those dead peoples feelings? We can just write it all off and forget our decency? This is the worst disaster of all time!” And TLJ is like “WHATEVER! I’m trying to tell you about the volcano from Volcano!” and the Mayor is like “Now just wait a second buster, I think we need to discuss the…” and just then the floor opens up and the mayor falls into this stream of lava and presumably dies since lava is about 2000 degrees. The Mayor’s assistant is there and says “What were you saying about the volcano?” and TLJ is like, “Oh, right. Well, I was going to say it’s probably going to erupt, but we got talking about the correct way to refer to some wasteland, ravished by horrible earthquakes, killing BILLIONS!…” and the assistant is like “DUDE! what do we do about the Volcano?” So TLJ is like “Right. Well, we’re cool because after the last movie, I mean disaster I had this genius dude build ‘The Tommy Lee Jones Hover City’ that will elevate us up above harm’s way.” So TLJ goes on to explain that it will hold about a million people so he should get his people together right away. So it turns out that the million people are all Hollywood elite and the rich people from the hills and all of their entourages, and that adds up quick! So there’s no room for the genius dude who made the Hover City, or anyone else in LA, so he’s all pissed and heads to the hills to some deserted mansion and hangs by the pool, but at least he can see the Hover City from there.
So up they go, and right as the thing gets off the ground, the lava starts coming up through LA, and TLJ is all, “Yep! Thar she blows!” and people are looking at him all confused and he’s like “um… nevermind, I meant, look it’s the volcano!” So everyone on the Hover City is all happy and cheering and everyone still in LA is all sad and throwing rocks at the thing while they avoid the lava. So check this out…while everyone is all freaked about the lava and the destruction, just when the think all is lost, this massive
fireball space comet thing comes in out of nowhere headed right for LA, but look! Remember the Hover City? It’s totally in the way! So the space comet totally hits the thing, but instead of exploding, the comet bounces back into space! The world is saved all because of the Tommy Lee Jones Hover City! However, the damage is too great, so the Hover City crashes into the ocean and everyone on board dies in a watery hell. There is some good news though, because the crash causes a huge wave that puts out all the volcanoes in Hawaii and LA! Everyone except the Hollywood elite and greedy rich LA people are saved! Then it’s the genius and he’s all “That’s right assholes! That’s what you get keepin’ me off my own Tommy Lee Jones Hover City!” So after a couple days, Hollywood easily replaces all the execs and movie stars and the world goes right back to normal except for Asia, which remains destroyed.