As you may have heard, our nation was attacked today. This was a cowardly act of suicidal terrorism and it can not be overlooked. The birds have gone too far this time. I mean, we all know that they went too far before in The Birds and they took out that guys eye in Brain Candy but bringing down a plane is kicking up a notch. A notch we will not tolerate!!
For years they have been waging war on us, with their constant bombing of our windshields and cars. Hell, Jason has taken a direct hit once or twice and lived to tell the harrowing tale, but this killing planes business is a sign that their terror is now far more terrible. We should have known this was coming honestly, they’ve been squawking about it for years but we never gave them this but credit and blew them off as an annoyance at most. Especially the early morning squawking on weekends when you are tying to sleep in – that was terrorism for sure but I know at least I was just to PC to call a spade a spade. Well that stops right here, right now.
Those goddamn feathery fucks. Bird brains! AND! It should come as no surprise that the foulest fowl responsible for today’s attack were Geese. CANADIAN GEESE!!! It’s true. I was told so. And while it maybe true that there haven’t been any *actual* fatalities yet, it’s not for lack of trying. When I was in 3rd grade there was a kid who said he was scared to death of birds. You hear that? Scared to DEATH! That was years ago, how did we let things go this far??
Also, I should point out that I’ve been named BirdCzar in this war on birds and I plan to take that position seriously. Under my regime we no longer settle for killing two birds with one stone, we must kill them all with one stone. Unless that turns out to be technically impossible, in which case I’ll authorize as many stones as is required, so long as the ratio is better than 2/1. Birds, you have been notified, the days of flying around care free are gone, and it’s time to pay the piper. So get in line!