I hate that I even have to think about this shit. When I shave I look like I’m 12 and when I don’t shave I look like a submission to homeless or hipster. Googling to try to find out how how I might trim it to give a different result is like a choose your own adventure story in reverse – no matter what question you start with and no matter what links you follow you eventually end up on beards.org which I’m convinced is just a front, a work safe thumbnail porn wankfest for bears. So there’s that. Which isn’t exactly helpful.
And the beard police are so agressive about keeping their numbers up – unless you have a beard and you’ve mentioned considering not having a beard in front of a certain type of bearded dude you can’t imagine the hate glares you get. Like you are letting everyone else down, or breaking your membership vows.
Look, I’ve got nothing against people with beards. I’ve just never been confortable with mine, yet have had one the vast majority of my adult life thanks to being too
busy lazy to shave.
On top of that it’s another decision that I have to make but really don’t care about. I hate making decisions where I don’t care about the outcome at all. Can’t I just close my eyes and throw a dart? If only it was that easy.
And no matter what I do, inevitably I’ll run into someone who I haven’t seen in a little while who will start off the conversation with a comment about my face. Yeah, that’s not awkward or anything. Thanks for ensuring crippling self consciousness for the rest of our little chat.
To make this even more fun, thanks to the stupid TSA thinking anyone with a boarding pass is a terrorist I can’t travel with a razor or scissors or anything so I have to build in assumptions of weeks on end with no modifications at all. Totally sucks.