Drive By Catting

It was determined this weekend, after thoughtful consideration, that a new form of urban warfare could be easily enacted with simple laser pointers. As we all know cats, or Felis silvestris catus,  find laser pointers completely fascinating and can’t pass up the chance to chase them and try to attack them. Of course they never catch them because it’s just light, but cats don’t understand that scientific part of it.

So the thinking is that you drive down the street with a laser pointer directed at the parallel sidewalk for several blocks. Any cats in the area will be drawn to the beam and chase it instinctually. After about 6 blocks you’ll most likely have around 35 cats chasing the laser (45 if you are in the neighborhood of a crazy cat lady) and by this point they will be pissed. This is when you stop driving and aim the laser onto the chest or face of your target. The cats will then pounce onto this person trying to get the laser, and thus rip him/her to shreds. A side benefit is that once your disengage the laser the cats give up and run away leaving no evidence. Unless of course someone is watching, in which case you can just repeat the above targeting them at the end.

This information is provided for informational purposes only and is by no means meant to influence anyone. If you are a member of the Bloods, the Crips, MS-13, SLXIV, 18th Street, Vatos Locos, Rollin 30’s, East Side Playas, West Side Mafia, KAM 13, VNE, TMC, BTK, MBZ, JFX or any related private social organization, please do not read the previous leathal suggestion.