Back in May of 2002 Morgen and I drank a lot of coffee and write up a few ideas for movies that we thought would rock. I realized they are too awesome to be so buried in my archives, so I’m reposting them here. The first one we wrote was for The A-Team Movie (original link), and that is this:

Vin Diesel as Mr. T as Sergeant Bosco “B.A.” Baracus
Jim Carry as Captain H.M. “Howling Mad” Murdock
Ben Affleck (or any stupid pretty guy) as Lieutenant Templeton “Face” Peck
Christopher Walkin or Clint Eastwood or Al Pacino or Patrick Stewart or
Leslie Nielsen as Colonel John “Hannibal” Smith (The Old Dude)

Charlize Theron as the helpless hot single woman in distress
Nicole Kidman as the helpless hot single sister of the hot single woman in

James Gandolfini as Colonel Decker…the dude who is trying to capture the
A Team and give them their comeuppance.

Ice Cube as the head terrorist bad guy
That chick from Girl Fight as his right hand man/lady who betrays him
Snoop Dogg as the out-for-himself-anything-for-a-buck streetwise pimp
Flea as the idiot cop.

If Christopher Walkin isn’t cast as “The Old Dude” Then he will be cast in
some other role because he rocks so hard.

The movie opens and this scientist smarty pants dude is making a new kind of bomb for the government and he’s the only one who knows what it can do…or is he? So these mercenaries (or terrorists to keep it timely) find out about this new bomb and kidnap the dude and his hot single helpless sister is left all alone and she’s scared and she’s like “oh no, what should I do?” and she calls the idiot cops and they’re like “we can’t help you, but maybe I didn’t just give you this card,” and she takes the card and she’s like “this card? But you just give it to me,” and the idiot cop is like, “I said MAYBE I didn’t give it to you,” so she’s like “you did though…see, here it is” and she shows him the card and he’s like “Dude!, that’s the number of some dudes who can help you,” and she’s all “oh, I’m into that…so I just call them then?” and then she calls and leaves a desperate message that while she’s leaving it the screen fades out but the message keeps going and then fades up into “The Old Dude” listening to it and going “yeah we can help.”

The Old Dude now has to round up the troops but Murdock is locked up in a mental hospital because he’s totally off his rocker, and by off his rocker we mean he fell off the boat and is swimming towards crazy island, so B.A., Face, and The Old Dude have to go bust him out. So they go and B.A. is kicking all kinds of ass while The Old Dude pretends to be a doctor and Face is just standing around hitting on the hottie nurses who are all like “oh you’re so hot.” Then they’re out and The Old Dude is like “we’re going to help this lady but we have to fly there and B.A. is like “No way I’m flying with that crazy guy” and he starts freaking out so Face knocks him out with some secret shot or something and they fly away.

When they get to this lady’s place she’s all scared and helpless but super hot and she’s there with her super hot sister and they are both single and the A TEAM is like NO PROBLEM! Then the A TEAM is holed up in a cave, it’s not really clear how they got there but it is clear that they are about to kick ass so no one cares, and they know the terrorists are coming in an hour so they find an Gas welding kit in the cave and some scrap metal and build a tank that totally kicks ass with fire and guns and shit. Murdock wants to paint a big mouth with teeth on the front but B.A. Gets so pissed and is screaming how crazy Murdock is so they just forget that part. Then the terrorists show up and they have this big ass fight and Face gets shot, but just in the arm or something but he’s a pussy so no one cares but he uses that to hit on the hot sister and her hot sister and then the A Teams kicks major ass all over the terrorists.

The main terrorist is back in his base and he hears about his other terrorists getting their ass kicked by the A Team so he calls Colonel Decker and it turns out that he’s working with him to get this new bomb and take care of the A Team once and for all! So Decker sends out the whole terrorist army or some shit, it’s like 10,000 terrorist dudes and it’s the A Team against the whole terrorist army. So The A Team minus Face (since he’s a pussy and no one cares–and by the way, he gets turned down by BOTH hot sisters) goes to fight the last giant battle for the hot single sister and her hot Single sister and their honor. So they’re at this hill and they send Murdock to go look over the hill and he looks and comes back and he’s like “Well I think it might be a tough fight since there’s like 10,000 terrorist dudes over there,” then The Old Dude is like “We’ve had tough fights before and this is no different except this time it’s like 10,000 dudes instead of the normal 20 or so, but otherwise totally the same.” So The A Team minus Face take the tank they built in the cave and kick ALL KINDS of terrorist ass and the terrorists get all scared and give up. Then they have a victory celebration and The Old Dude gets the hot sister and Murdock gets the hot sister’s hot sister (since it turns out she’s crazy too) and the brother comes home safe and the new bomb is safe and Decker gets his comeuppance and B.A. is like, “dude where’s my girl? I did the most ass kicking of all y’all,” and then the hottest terrorist girl (who is the chick from Girl Fight) is walking around and she’s goes to B.A. and she’s like “Dude! You kick the most ass ever. I love you” and since she could kick a lot of ass too they hook up and kick each others ass in the bedroom.

The End.