Warning – late night rambly post here: I’ve been jittery lately. Maybe jittery isn’t the right word, in fact I know it’s not. Because depending on the time of day that’s just from the lack of or the over consumption of coffee. The word I’m looking for is something more like nervous but in a cautious kind of way with a touch of foreboding garnished with a dash of reluctance. Anyway I don’t really know what the word is otherwise I’d just say it. I don’t even really know what it’s specifically about but I think it has a lot to do with putting myself out there and both crossing comfort levels and embracing that which makes me comfortable. I know those sound conflicting, and maybe they are, and maybe that’s part of why I’m jittery. I’ve been told, most of my life actually, that I sell myself short but I’ve heard it quite a bit more often recently. I think I have, maybe I’ve just noticed it. Anyway, I’ve been thinking about it and it concerns me. In my youth I was filled with massive amounts of not giving a fuck what anyone said about anything and just going for it. I never considered that something I attempted wouldn’t work, and I always assumed that if I wanted something to work out it would. Something I had a say in anyway. Things out of my control like girls liking me or getting jobs I knew would be a disaster no matter what I wanted, but if I was going to set out to do something the only possible outcome was it happening exactly as I planned.
I feel like I’ve lost some of that, but worse that I’m constantly chasing it. The fact is things didn’t always work out as I’d planned them to which I was able to ignore for a while but eventually would stick in the back of my head when I’d attempt the next thing. I didn’t grow up to run a TV station, become a high profile music exec, or a world famous graphic designer. Those were all things at one point or another I was sure would happen. But they didn’t, and I learned that the outcome wasn’t what was important as much as the experience of attempting them. I wouldn’t trade in those experiences for anything and now when I attempt something new I try to not think about where it will go but instead what cool things will happen along the way. I was having a conversation with an old friend from high school the other day and he was expressing a bit of regret over somethings that had happened in the past and how he’d turned his life around since then. I tried to console him and said the first thing that came to my mind – basically that it’s not what we did yesterday that matters but rather what we learned from yesterday and how we apply that to what we’ll do tomorrow. The specifics of that don’t apply to this at all, but I started thinking on a grander level maybe they do apply in a some way.
What I learned from some of the things yesterday is that things don’t always work out the way I want them to and I’m worried about how I apply that to tomorrow. I want it to not effect me and if anything encourage me to try harder but I’m worried I talk myself out of things instead. That I have an idea and convince myself it won’t work because of the previous knowledge of things not working rather than the ignorance which allowed me to shoot for the stars. I think now, maybe, sometimes I know the stars are really fucking far away so maybe it’s better to shoot for the roof of the 3rd floor instead. In the same right I think I’m lucky to have a few people around me who aren’t afraid to smack me in the head and point out that the 3rd floor is stupid and I really shouldn’t even look at it and just keep aiming for those stars no matter what. I guess what I’m getting at is I need the kicks from my friends, I appreciate them and actually need them. So please, if you see me lowballing something or being too hesitant to jump in, I’m asking you to give me a push.
On the other end, I want to make sure that I don’t lose the things I know are important to me. Not the physical things, those always come and go. The other stuff. In much of the same vein as the above, I’ve found that I’m pretty good at talking myself out of things I know I love and I know will make me happy because I’m worried about how it might impact other people. Sometimes I’m worried about the people I’ll run into, sometimes I’m worried about the people I leave behind. In almost all those it’s probably bullshit and all in my head, but the fact that I know that makes it even worse. I like bike rides, you might have noticed that. I’ve lost count of the rides I haven’t gone on in the last year for reasons I don’t even remember. There’s bands I’ve wanted to see and haven’t gone. There’s movies I’ve wanted to see and I’ve stayed home. I’m 98% sure I’ll never be one of those creepy old recluses who never leaves their house and has their food delivered though a hole in a back door and no one has seen in person in 17 years, but that remaining 2% keeps me awake at night. OK it doesn’t really, that’s the coffee, but if something was to keep me awake that would probably be it. And this one I don’t have an easy answer to. Not that my previous “please make me do it” answer is easy, but it’s something. With this I don’t know. Two years ago I promised myself to take every opportunity and to not let myself look back wishing I’d done something I had the chance to and passed up. I don’t know if I’ve kept that promise to myself very well. I mean, I guess I have, but I think if I even question it I must not be doing it right. But I don’t know what to do differently. I think some of what I was talking about the other day when I was thinking about reconnecting with lost networks applies to this. I don’t want to let go of the things that are important to me, but more importantly I don’t want to think I have to, or be worried that I am. If that makes any sense. I don’t think it does because it’s 2:35am and I should have been asleep a long time ago. I’ll read this in the morning and be shocked I thought it was publishable but I think just going through the motions of writing it has helped in some ways.
I’ve told you all before that a good chunk of this blog is just for me, it’s my therapy to write it and sort the crap spinning in my head right? I learned that from Dan O’Mahoney by the way. He wrote books, I write blogs. It’s some weird need to do your soul searching with an audience. Anyway, sometimes it helps. So thanks for kinda being there mostly anonymous cyber audience. I’m going to sleep now.