As far back as I can remember I always felt like everyone around me had it all figured out. I have vivid memories of sitting in class in 4th and 5th grade looking up and down the rows of my classmates, just staring in awe of them all. They knew something I didn’t. Not that I’d missed out on something, I don’t ever recall these feelings being that I was somehow lesser, rather that everyone else was just somehow exceptional. They’d cracked the code somehow – maybe someone slipped them the cheat book – I dunno, but they all knew what was up. I remember feeling pretty lucky to be surrounded by such enlightened people and hoping that some of it would rub off on me. I was generally a quiet kid for most of these years because I spent so much time just watching everyone.
I think I probably felt that I’d also somehow slipped through, because certainly if everyone knew that I didn’t have all the answers as well I wouldn’t be allowed to hang out so naturally I spent a lot of time fearing that my secret would get out. So everyday was kind of a race, could I pick up enough from everyone, fast enough, to keep them all thinking I was their equal?
This hasn’t really changed since then. If we’re friends today know this – I’m positive you have all the life answers figured out and there’s nothing you can say to me that will change my mind.
And I say that fully knowing that none of us have any of this shit figured out.
I know that we’re all making every bit of this up as we go.
I know that, and yet I refuse to accept it. Because I’m constantly impressed and blown away by people around me. I can’t believe the things they pull off. I’m awestruck at their will and determination. I’m beside myself at their gumption – that could only come from being somehow tipped off. They must have a pro account or something.
I’m not saying this to make anyone uncomfortable. We’ll all just keep on going under this same charade, after all it’s worked well for us all this time. I’m just saying it because I’ve been on a plane all day and bounced through too many timezones and am on too much sinus medication so I’m letting my guard down a little. But I’m onto you. All of you.
I always have been.